Writing

I wrote an earlier version of this, but none of it really sat right with me. Then I read Ananya's writing about her recent trip to Hong Kong and I realized the missing piece was vulnerability. Rather than intellectualizing my experiences, I needed to tap into my emotional self.These last few months have meant a lot to me and while it would be easy for me to point to tangible accomplishments to illustrate why, what I really want to share is that I've changed a lot inside.

In April, I had a blurry idea of the person I wanted to be: someone who is consistent, curious, and thoughtful. Out of compassion for myself, I wouldn't describe myself as lazy. But I would say I spent a lot of the last few years in a slumber, slowly moving through life and only really doing things I had to do. I've talked about this before, but I think, without realizing, I had been deeply feeling the weight of life. And while I continue to feel the burden of the human experience, something's shifted in me within the last few months where instead of shielding myself, I want to experience as much as I can. Instead of sinking into the deep pit that often forms in my chest, I want to challenge myself to observe, feel, and absorb more.

With each new experience and person I encountered over the summer, the image of my ideal self has grown clearer and I've been inching closer to grasping it every day.

Atelier

After months of "I'll go next week", I showed up to my first Tuesday night Atelier session at Donald's house in early June. I demoed a webpage for a birthday party, and met the people who I'd end up spending most of my summer with. I've looked forward to every Tuesday since.

Each week, I've grown a little more confident in my belief that my presence in a space matters and that I am a small piece of something great. As someone who overthinks every social outing, especially in new environments, it was so comforting to be around people who derive satisfaction simply from the act of gathering. I've never been around so many people so unabashedly enthusiastic, never shying away from showing genuine curiosity for others.

At Atelier, there is no place to hide. Even if there was, I don't think I would want to. In the first few weeks, I would sit on the train on the way home debriefing with myself, feeling the shame and anxiety that often comes with my social hangovers. The ramble I gave about my favorite artists, philosophical debates, a lackluster demo - I would find all of it retrospectively embarrassing in any other space. Eventually though, I came to realize Atelier is just a mosaic of individual niches and rabbit holes. Everyone I met was in the midst of indulging some curiosity that would've stayed hidden elsewhere, while also dipping their toes in the curiosities of everyone else around them. Where better to reconcile my relationship with the world than around people who move through it playfully and sincerely?

I'm really thankful for the group and space I've gotten to be a part of. It really goes a long way to have your passions taken seriously. I can say "passion" now, because of the people who recognized the things I thought to be trivial as passions.

School

I sort of... finished school? With only a few classes left to juggle during my upcoming internship, I still have a little bit longer to milk the student identity and hopefully transition gracefully into post-grad life.

This last summer semester was particularly exciting because I finished a directed studies course required in my program. It's supposed to be a culmination of all that you learned in the program, so it's a pretty big deal. I'm usually quite ambivalent about academic performance, but I took the opportunity to practice habits I wanted to see more of in myself: persistence, commitment to doing the hard thing and doing it well. I ignored the voice in my head that assumed I would fail before I even started. Usually, I would instead opt for just the amount of effort that would keep me afloat (financially, socially, or otherwise) so as to avoid getting too attached to an outcome and not getting what I wanted. Pushing forward, I worked outside of my comfort zone by continuing instead of turning back when faced with uncertainties or overwhelm.

This was supposed to be the part where I talk about how proud I am of myself. I almost have the words rehearsed from intellectually processing my feelings and telling myself the things I know I’m supposed to feel. Initially, I planned on describing what I had learned and accomplished.

None of the tangible work accurately reflects my internal growth as someone who now wants to take ownership over her work. I would also be glazing over what I'm really feeling, which is dissonance between what I feel and what I anticipated feeling. Finishing this project, and school unofficially, was supposed to be satisfying. Yet I still find myself undermining the amount of time and energy I dedicated, telling myself that I could have done more, or that someone else would have done it better. I am proud that I worked through my own doubts and fears of incompetence, committing to something without guarantee of success. Next is the part where I learn to trust my past selves, that they did the best they could, that they deserve a pat on the back.

I think I'm still processing and recovering that I'm done. Relief hasn't quite set in yet but I've been reflecting a lot on what crossing the finish line means to me. My hope is that putting this feeling into words will make everything feel more real.

Experiments

My introduction to Atelier led me to other adventures. I got to volunteer at MVD, and co-host Flat Whites & Jazz at Milano with Rae and Donald. Watching others take an idea from a passing "what-if" into fruition has shifted my view of the world. I now find myself believing it genuinely possible to take matters into my own hands - why couldn't it be me?

This new belief and getting to watch people work brought on my experiments with Walk & Talks in Vancouver. I recruited Matthew as an emotional support co-host. The walks were inspired by walks in Toronto, as well as generally observing an increase in exploratory events that made us realize anyone could organize something silly and cool.

Whether it's in a small group with friends or a big group of strangers, I have always felt a lot of anxiety around taking initiative/being the decision maker. It's mostly rooted in a fear of letting people down, and the consequential guilt of wasting someone's time/energy/money. Logically, I know that everyone is capable of making their own choices and dealing with the outcomes. It is not my fault if someone decides that walk and talks are not for them. Emotionally, whenever I call the shots, I feel responsible for every possible outcome. Bad outcomes, specifically. My brain has a funny way of shrugging off responsibility and assuming coincidence when it comes to being involved in good things.

We've hosted 3 walks so far, each distinct from one another in both vibe and turnout. I'm grateful for the range as I've been challenged to show up with no expectations and appreciate every interaction for what they are. Sometimes you only talk to someone for a couple minutes, and sometimes you just happen to hit it off completely. I'm learning that the former is just as meaningful as the latter - it's genuinely awesome getting to comfortably make small talk with others who chose to spend their afternoon with you.

Moving forward, I hope to be a part of more events that bring people together in surprising ways. Specifically, I want to provide spaces for people to initiate and share parts of themselves - much like what Atelier has done for me.

What I want to do

Now that I've discovered that I do have passions, I want to spend the rest of this year cultivating them. A couple of months ago, I shared an analysis of my favorite movie Her, and its representation of gender in AI agents. I was proud of this entirely indulgent essay and surprised to receive a lot of positive feedback, connecting me with others who pondered similar questions. This moment is probably what I consider my biggest accomplishment of the year. Not just because of the positive feedback, but because I had so much fun writing this piece while having zero expectations when publishing the post. It really reinforced to me that there is a place for me somewhere, I just needed to put out a signal to be found.

Witnessing experts, online and in person, share bits from the corners of which they reside has helped me put into words where I want to go. I've only just recently discovered the field of AI alignment, but I think it's what I've been in search of for a long time. My essay formed solely out of my love for Her in connection with my constant questions around social behaviors and systems of power. I'm excited to see what happens when I take my questions seriously. Embarrassing to announce something before it even comes true, but I'm manifesting it. I will not allow myself to be scared of wanting something badly.

In honor of my new pursuit, I want to understand the world as best I can. How we got here, what is "here", where we're going, what we want, why we want what we want - context around every aspect of what it means to be human right now so that we can be accurately captured and served. Lots of research to be done! Hopefully I'll be back soon to report new findings.

Reading my writing back, I'm realizing that the string that ties all of these experiences together is my newfound ability to embrace new experiences without knowing what may come. Challenging projects, walking into a room full of strangers, organizing a walk without knowing how many people will register, admitting a new passion - all of these things required me to drop ideas of what success should look like and just... show up. I'm so thankful I did.

I'm finally starting to internalize the cheesy saying of embracing the process. The Processes this summer were informative, connective, entirely unfamiliar, exhausting at times, and fun! As mentioned in my new and shiny Now page, I'm in the midst of a two week "doing absolutely nothing" break in between school and my new job. So, the current Process is relaxing.

These are the last few weeks of summer, then we venture into my favorite time of year in Vancouver: the transition into fall when the mornings are chilly but the afternoons are perfect for long walks. Breezy, yet cozy; the haziness of summer and the excitement of new beginnings colliding for a fleeting moment.